Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
