the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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