Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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