I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
