I have demons in me.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
