Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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