I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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