i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
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I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
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Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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