the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
