she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You made out with two different species that night
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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