bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
