I wish my penis had an off switch
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
