what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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