i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
