i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My dick has a subreddit
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
