I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I need to calm my uterus...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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