I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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