I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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