Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
