I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
