true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
