I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
