I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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