smell my finger.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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