Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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