i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
