Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I fill condoms, not promises.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
