I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
