HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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