were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
