my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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