there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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