I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I can't put those talents on a resume
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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