i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
