Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
