I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
