i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
