...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
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If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
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Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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