Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
