i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
