I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
True strength comes from lack of pants
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
