You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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