wrigley field is MILF paradise
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
