Swine flu. Run for my life!
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
