I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
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The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
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Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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