How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
