Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
