I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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