I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
