I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
