Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
