I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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