I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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