I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
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Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
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Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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