i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
