Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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