did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
