I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
